Scared My Mom Will Starve Herself but Force Feeding is Torture

05-27-2009, 02:00 PM

Hi Sissy,
So sorry to hear your mom is not doing well. I just lost my grandma 6 weeks ago, and she too got to the point where she barely ate a bite. I think she passed away a couple of months after that. She had also become very incontinent, and couldnt walk at all, and barely communicated, unless of course she was in one of her dementia episodes. I believe the not eating is part of the illness Sissy. The nurses told my Uncle she would eat little bits here and there, and then may go days with virtually nothing. At that point, her body no longer needed the nourishment. It did seem really cruel. At the end, she was in the hospital as she had become dehydrated, couldnt even get liquids into her. They did give her some glucose through an IV....but after a few days that was stopped as we knew then the next step was feeding tubes and that was something no one wanted for her. I'm so sorry Sissy if this is that part of the journey for you....the other ladies here will know better how to advise.
Hugs to you....we have wondered where you were and know you were always in our thoughts and prayers.

Love, Caroline xo

05-27-2009, 03:42 PM

My mother went through the same thing. She could not swallow, and what little food got into her did not do her any good, her body had stopped processing food.

This stage lasted several months in Mom's case and she went down from around 120 to 75 pounds before dying.

I will say that she did not suffer at all, she did not miss food or wish she could eat or talk about food, but showed no interest in it at all.

I wish a smooth transtion for your Mom. At this stage a hospice nurse would come to the house to care for her, day and night. (I think she is still at home?) Ask the doctor. Please, no feeding tubes - this would not even help at all if she is not processing food, but would be uncomfortable and not knowing why it is there she may pull it out causing injury.

I'm sorry your Mom has gone to this stage already. We did miss you here.

Love,

Martha

05-27-2009, 06:39 PM

Martha,

shock here but Hospice told us they only come for about 2 hours at that! -- it ****** us off because my sister would've kept Mom at home if they allow more time but they don't.

Missygirls
I'm glad you wrote. This is exactly what happened with my mother. She fell Mid-january and was dead January 15th. We did not allow much as it was in her living will/medical directive.

When they don't want to eat, it is useless to beg. Her brain isn't registering hunger or thirst any longer and what she does take in is going right through her and not being absorbed as nutrients into the system.

It isn't pleasant but it is a positive that the suffering for all; your mom, dad and yourself is almost over.

My prayers are with you and yours during the difficult process. It is about 2 - 4 weeks before it is all said and done.

05-27-2009, 10:59 PM

My prayers are with you and your Mom Sissy. These ladies are right. It is part of the disease. It is not that Mom is refusing to eat, it is the disease. She is not feeling hunger and her body is unable to process the food. Other organs are also shutting down. your Mom can go longer without food than she can without liquid and each individual goes though this at their own pace. Just know that Mom is not suffering as you imagine. I am with the rest on the feeding tube as well. I have strict orders from both of my parents, before dementia, that they were NEVER to be placed on a feeding tube. Since I have it in writing I will abide by their wishes... especially since it is my wish we well. I remember my grandmother going through this process. I truly believe it is more uncomfortable for us than it is for them.

I do hope your Mom has an easy transition through this stage of her disease. I wish for you the strength and courage you will need to see her through to the end. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers...

Love, deb

05-28-2009, 03:34 AM

Eating has been a big issue with Mom for a good year now. I leave her alone and just tell her to eat what she can. She has times when she will eat nothing at all and then other times she seems to rebound. I have watched her go through periods of not eating for days then I think Ok this is it. She is not going to survive this. She has to eat. The next thing I know she rebounds back to eating. It is odd. She is all skin and bones now though.

Sissy it is hard to watch someone not eat. It is human nature to want them to eat and drink. You feel they are literally starving but I believe they really don't feel the sense of hunger anymore is what happens.
it is a very hard stage to watch them go through. My heart goes out to you.

Love Pauline

05-28-2009, 04:01 AM

When my Mom was in the last phase of life, the NH where she was living assigned Hospice nurses to her case. Someone was with her around the clock. They were wonderful. I am surprised they don't do the same for at home patients. Mom was on Medicaid, maybe that made a difference?

Love,
Martha

05-28-2009, 05:47 AM

Martha

I don't know how to answer the hospice you know and the jerks here in Jersey. But I found them rude and very, very condensending.

There was four people we spoke with, all had people in their last phase of life at home and all four said the same thing -- Hospice only came for an hour or two. I also thought they stayed around the clock especially for the last hours of the person's life but 'no'

My cousin's husband was 22 years older than her. No one was more wonderful than her. She knew he wasn't going to last much longer but she needed to get away from the house for a few minutes and her adult sons were there, so she left. She got a text from her son that Dad wasn't breathing well, and she came home. On the way home, she called the Hospice Care Worker on her case and was told, 'Okay, I'll be there shortly".
Shortly turned out to be 2 hours after her husband passed in the meantime, the police were called out as well as EMT's and they were the ones to declare him gone. After he was removed, then the hospice person showed up.

I didn't know any of this until we started to get involved with Hospice based on my request. I always had it portrayed that they come in and help the family understand the process and help the patient through it as well. Pictures of them sitting by the bed side, hour after hour, etc.

Well four families in Jersey couldn't be wrong -- it wasn't that way for any of them. In one case, someone would come in early morning for an hour or two to help get the patient more comfortable in the bed and wash them up. That's it. They then left.

I was so very glad God deemed it better that had my mother go to a hospital. What I didn't like was that because she was dehydrated (from not eating or drinking for my sister), that they declared my sister unfit and almost turned her over to the police for Elder abuse.

This sweet, loving, daughter who would get her mother out of bed, down to the bathroom, washed, cleaned, dentures, etc. bring her downstairs and make sure she had on knee hi's etc. Elder-abuse??? you've got to be kidding me.

After reading all the different horror stories about food hidden, dirty laundry hidden, etc. I'm glad that my sister was up my mother's back 24/7 and that it didn't give rise to her hiding the stuff. But when I say I'm relieved its over. I truly am. I couldn't believe with how bad it was with my mother that it could've gotten any worse.

05-28-2009, 10:29 AM

Tami, even when our heads tell us it is for the best, our hearts are never ready to let go and say good bye to those we love. Knowing the end is nearing is and will be a difficult time. Please allow yourself to grieve. You will break down from time to time and then gather up your courage and strength and go forward.

It is surprising how little the human body truly needs. It is also surprising how our body protects us as well. I truly believe that your mom is in a place where she is not suffering as we think she might be. The hunger sensation has been blocked. As the body shuts down the need for food diminishes. I am so glad you have all decided to let her take the natural course. From here until the end, whenever that will be, just love her and be with her.

Thank you for your openness. I will arrive at this stage sooner than I would like and it's kind people like you who share your experiences that will carry me thought my time as well. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

05-28-2009, 09:49 PM

Even though this wasn't my post and my MIL isn't to this point yet, I so appreciate everyone's replies. You are all angels!!! It's a relief to know that once an Alz patient reaches this point, they won't be suffering. Tami, I'm so glad you and your dad have come to see things eye to eye. That's certainly going to help you both in days to come. You'll get each other through whatever lies ahead. I wish you deep peace.

Emily

06-02-2009, 03:39 AM

My 53-year old wife died of dementia two months ago.

It's not that your mom is purposefully starving herself. As I understand it, their bodies don't process food anymore. My wife lost the ability to swallow for the last couple of weeks, so I knew the end was approaching quickly. She was in the hospital for a few days, then I was Finally able to move her to Hospice for the last 3 days, and those people were God-sent. Kept her comfortable and clean, which is about all you can ask for. And at that point, she felt no pain or hunger, etc. It was very peaceful.

Scared My Mom Will Starve Herself but Force Feeding is Torture

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